drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
