I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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