the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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