is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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