I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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