you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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