Soap is not a condiment
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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