dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
