EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
