I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i came on her dog
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
