She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
