she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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