I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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