my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
