Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
