sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
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