I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize
