Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
