ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
