I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize