i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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