i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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