U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
