I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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