Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
The feeling are messing with the penis
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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