my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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