Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
