Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
well you can't waste a boner
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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