His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
