bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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