Will you blow on my dice?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
