just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
