his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
