sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Two words: nipple clamps
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