if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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