I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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