Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
