woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
