I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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