just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I need moral support for this bender
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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