I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
