Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
