Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Is this like a preordered booty call?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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