Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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