So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
