You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
