Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
