Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Sober January is a disaster.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
dude. I can hear the air.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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