We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
