I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
