Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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