Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
