I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I would ride that face into the sunset
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
