Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
