My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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