Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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