I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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