saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
