she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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