Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
